Nipple....seriously?

I just received a match.com email with the subject line of "Nipple"


Are you effing kidding me? 


WTF is wrong with people...


Here's his email:


Hi. I'm ____. You're gorgeous and I like your style Perhaps we can get together for lunch sometime? Or we can just arm wrestle. Wanna take a chance? Hope your day kicks butt.


I was assuming the subject line of "nipple" would be referenced in the email....but no such luck....


Interesting approach...but no...I don't want to "arm wrestle" or talk "nipples" with you...Is this the vibe I'm giving off???


This still isn't as bad as an email I received in the past...asking if I was into "pantyhose sex"....to which I had NO idea what he was talking about...and proceeded to throw up in my mouth


Perhaps this man should have used his "VIP" email option...where "tips" are provided for writing a good email...


Unfortunately...this is not the first time a man has talked "nipples" to me



I was seeing this guy recently...and he had invited my roommate and I over for dinner

Note: His roommate had been asking about my roommate...so it was a mild set up

So the 4 of us were sitting around drinking, chatting, having a good time. We each had what looked like 1 to 2 drinks...then sat down to dinner.

All of a sudden the roommate appeared to be hammered...he was slurring his words and eating with his hands...not to mention he's over the age of 40...

Somehow the topic of "nipples" was brought up...

*how...i'm not quite sure...*

His roommate began to talk about his love of nipples...and went into great detail about the type of nipples he prefered. I believe he coined himself a "nipple afficianato" which sounded more like "nipple afishynado" in his drunken stupor. It didn't stop there...with what I remember to be "gentle coaxing" from myself....he actually unbuttoned his shirt at the dinner table to show us his nipples...then demanded my roommate pull hers out....I believe he said "let's get those arreolas on the table...come on...pull 'em out!" At this point we were dying laughing...well...maybe that was just me...


He continued to go into detail about the size of nipples he prefered....I believe he prefered "silver dollars" if I remember correctly...

I think somebody needs to call NA...Nipple-holics Anonymous...

Hi...My name is ____ and it's been 30 days since I saw my last nipple



Sometimes I think I must have been bad in a past life and this is my punishment

A day in the life....

Or as I like to say…

Livin’ the Dream…

(insert sarcasm)

4^nd period today I sent a student outside for the usual classroom disruption – when I went to let him in - he informed me a student had written on the wall outside my classroom...

“Ms. _____ sucks d$ck”

Are you effing kidding me???

There was no way to tell who had written that on the wall as hundreds of students walk by my door daily…so there was nothing I could do except to ask campus safety to have it cleaned off the wall…

Moving on to 6^th period – one of my male students told me I looked like a high school girl he saw on “America’s Most Wanted” last night…

So I asked him, “Ummm, did she look nasty?”  

(We all know the type of people on America’s Most Wanted)

He replied, “No, no…she was the victim”

“Awesome, at least I don’t look like a criminal…”

Another male student addressed me “Oh hayyy gurrrrl”

*appalled*

I correct him….he makes a second attempt….”Oh hayyy gurl Ms. ____”

Nope, still inappropriate….try again

And then there’s 8^th period…of course my mood is now amazing…at which point one of my students asks me

“Why did you want to be a math teacher…I don’t think I’d have the patience for this”

I don’t know if that was before or after a student *snapped* his fingers at me to get my attention like I was a f*cking waitress!

So now it’s lunchtime….eating my feelings has now commenced….

*I daydream about the possibility of a margarita machine in the staff room…or perhaps  hooking myself up to an IV drip of vodka and Percocet as I tell my coworkers about my day*

After several inappropriate jokes – and my coworkers prying the plastic wear out of my hands so I don’t slit my wrists…I feel I am able to go about the rest of my day

The lunch bell rings….luckily 10^th period is my prep…time I *should* be spending grading papers and calling parents…but instead…I sit and stare at the wall…after several minutes go by…I then decide that messaging my friends on gchat sounds like a good idea…

Reality check ... I have to stay after school to teach extended day (our after school program)

F$CK!!!

*Deep breath*

Starbucks is in now a necessity

I grab my purse, throw on my sunglass and walk towards the quad…where I’m greeted by several students I don’t know…

“Oh hayyy Ms. _____, where you goin’ wit dem sunglasses on, I like yo’ sunglasses”

I mumble something and scurry by trying to make it to my car without anymore interactions – ignoring whatever else may be flying out of their mouths…because if I didn’t hear it…I don’t have to deal with it!

Seriously....this is my *job*

I don't think I was harassed this much when I was actually in middle school....now a day a work feels like a night out at the club....the only thing missing is a drink being spilled on me and someone slapping my ass! 

How many days till summer vacation?

I guess you could say he had a wandering eye...

I just went on a date last week with a guy who had a wandering eye...I literally didn't know where to look...one eye was looking at me and the other was looking around


I feel a little bad writing this...he wasn't a bad guy...but it was just so distracting...especially because I was completely caught off guard. Can you imagine meeting someone for the first time and realizing they have crazy eyes? 


We sat down to dinner and he was trying to ask me how my day was...and I found myself stuttering


"Uh, umm, hmmm...I can't really remember...ugh, yea...sorry, long day!"


All I could think was...how did I miss this? I'm usually good about spotting things in pictures...if a man is wearing a hat he's usually balding, if he's not smiling he usually has "snaggle teeth"...and if it says he's "5 foot anything"...subtract at least 2 inches and that's his real height! 


Nice as he may have been...I just couldn't bring myself to go on a second date.


The week before that I went out with a man who at 34 years old told me he doesn't drink and he's "way more fun sober" 


Right....


I'm thinking...ok...alcoholic? But that wasn't the case. He just didn't like drinking much. But here's the thing, if you invite a girl out for dinner, and your date orders wine...you order a glass....you don't ask if you can "share" hers...


Seriously...WTF....how old are you??? Maybe they could bring us 2 straws...


It gets better....he was telling me all these stories of things him and his friends do...I officially "checked out" of our date when he told me that him and his friends like to "geek out" and play "hide and go seek" in the dark...he even had a special name for it that I can't quite remember...something like "lights out". He continued to describe this game to me in detail...and he was really excited about it. Apparently him and his "thirty something" year old friends turn out all the lights...they even go so far as to use sticky notes to cover up the numbers on the microwave and the oven so it's "pitch black" and then someone hides...


At this point he was acting out the game...walking around with his hands out as if it was dark out...


Then he explained that when you "stumble upon someone" you have to yell out the catch phrase "lights out" or whatever it was...and get down on the ground and "play dead" until someone else finds you....


ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???


He just took my lady wood from about "half mast" down to zero....I think that is the most unattractive thing I have ever heard. How does this guy ever get laid? The only way this game could have been considered half way acceptable was if there was nakedness and/or alcohol involved...

Here's a thought...you hide...and I won't come find you!

He's DTC....

Down * To * Cuddle

That’s right…last Saturday night I received an email from a guy I’ve never met…I manly firefighter no less…telling me that he has no plans for this evening, that he made no plans because he didn’t want to go out…but that he was down to cuddle, and that’s about it.

How does one respond to that? Is he down to cuddle with me? Is he at work cuddled up with a fireman? I’m so confused!!!

And then there's the "shirtless wonder"…a man whose uniform seems to be board shorts and flip flops judging from his pictures, and he always seems to be tan and glistening...Does he oil up before taking all of his photos?

He wrote in his profile that he makes $100,000 to $150,000 a year….doing what?

Is he a Chippendale? What other job would allow you to walk around half naked and drunk all day?

Note: I could put down that I make $100,000 a year…match.com isn’t checking my pay stubs…

Under "pets" it says he likes "birds" and "exotic" pets….

WTF…how about dogs or cats? What exactly is an “exotic pet?” Does he have a peacock???

Here are his favorite hot spots…and I quote:

“I like to go to vegas florida and mexico and hang out with friends and clubs and bars”

*SHOCKING*

All places you can be drunk, shirtless, drinking out of red party cups and preying on college girls...

What does the shirtless wonder like to read you might ask?

“I don’t read a lot I rather be out doing things”

Translation: I can’t read…I’d rather be out drinking trying to get my hump on”

 His height preference is 3’ to 5’11”

 Who is f$cking 3 feet tall? He’s either into midgets or he’s a child molester…

Ok….real talk….I messaged him hoping to get reaction….yes boys and girls, I’m an internet bully…

 “Just curious…where do you work that allows you to make $100,000 to $150,000 a year and walk around shirtless 24/7?”

 Yea…I didn’t get a response on that one….

 Just another day in the life or as like to say...

"Living the dream"

Times are Tough

Yes...I'll admit it...I'm back on match.com...


I was told before that I needed to go on a date...that my blogs were getting boring...and that I needed new material...so here I am...on the internet...trolling for men....just for you guys


Disclaimer: My roommate just asked me if I *drank* at breakfast...


Umm...yeaaa?


Match.com is like facebook...but better...Remember those posts that said..."Now you can see who has viewed your profile and how many times" and we all found ourselves asking..."Wait...is this for real...now people are going to know what a stalker I am!!!" 


Or maybe that was just me...


Well...on match....people DO know what a stalker you are...but the upside of that is...you can see who's stalking YOU! Today a man viewed my profile who appears to not own an actual shirt...Every picture on his profile is of him and his "bros" on a boat...shirtless...pounding drinks or posing with a container of protein powder. Are you effing kidding me? Protein powder???  


Wow, that's sooo cool bro, like...will you take me on you boat and get me drunk, and make protein shakes, and let me stare are your big strong muscles???


*BARF*


For a mere $34.99 a month...you too can have access to a plethera of men...not necessarily datable men...but men nonetheless. 


Men who don't own shirts, men who have already messaged your friends, men who have already dated your friends and you can actually hit on your own friends! 


I don't think my girlfriend was impressed by the V.I.P email I sent her....but whatever. Nor did she respond to my invitation for a threesome...but i'm getting over the rejection. And if you're sitting there asking yourself...what the f$ck is a V.I.P email??? Well...I wasn't sure either, which is why I sent one to my girlfriend first to try it out...and let me tell you....V.I.P stands for "Very Interested Person"...and you can only send this email once a week....and when you're writing the email...match.com actually gives you "special tips" for writing a good email....


Seriously? Men don't know how to even talk to women anymore, nor can they pick up an actual phone, and now they need help writing a goddamn email? 


And did I mention another great benefit of match.com....for only $34.99 a month...you can now feel rejected from the comforts of your own home, in your pjs...without ever going out on an actual date! 


These are just some of the highlights


I'm working on an actual face to face date as we speak...stay tuned...


But if that doesn't work out...a friend of mine suggested I switch to chicks


"I don't know what you've heard...but I don't eat muff pie"
-Bad Teacher

Single Girl Haiku

I recently participated in a gift exchange in which a friend of mine received the book "Single Girl Haiku"

For those of you who need to brush up on your poetry; a haiku is a poem that consists of 3 lines. The first line is 5 syllables, the second line is 7 syllables, and the third line is 5 syllables.

I felt inspired to write my own:

You know times are tough
When you go to the doctor
Just to get felt up

*POOF I'M A POET!*

I recycle boys

A year ago I met a man on match.com....

We dated for a month or so when I realized he was not only dating - but having "sleepovers" with several other girls. It was at that point that I threw down the ultimatum - pick dude - me or these other chicks...and this is partially just a matter of cleanliness....I'm not down to get somebody else's "social disease" as my dad calls them.

He picked me...for a week...then decided at 36 years old he was not ready to commit...

Now - a year later - he has come sniffing back around - inviting me to "run with him" as a decoy to see if I was still interested. So I said yes - shoot, maybe he's grown up and figured out what he wants

WRONG

We were supposed to run a few weeks ago- but due to the possibility of rain we postponed. Coincidentally I ran into him the night before at a bar - he was getting into a cab as I was arriving. About an hour later, he texted me asking if he could come meet up - and before I could respond - he informed me he was on his way.

He sat and had drinks with my friend and I which was harmless - we were having a good time. He then said we should do breakfast in the morning instead of running - and when I said "ok, let's do it" he back pedaled out of it. Amidst our conversation he made several points of saying what a great girl I am and things of that nature - this was coming from a man who dumped me for the possibility of hooking up with is ex-girlfriend when she came into town.

Lets fast forward to 1:30 am...it was getting late, they brought us our bill - it was only 30 bucks - it included the burger my friend and I split, the beer we each both had, and his 2 beers. It sat there for a good 20 minutes. Finally my friend and I took out our cards and asked the waiter to split it. He did not even flinch for his wallet and he didn't even say thank you! Any guy with any class would have picked up the check...it was 30 freaking dollars....seriously...pick up the damn check...or bare minimum throw in for your own damn drinks!

He then asked me for a ride home...and claimed he was going to call me in the morning at 8:30 for breakfast - at 10 am I recieved this text

"I'm still in bed..."

Does that even warrant a response?

What he *should* have said was "Hey, great seeing you last night, thanks for the ride home and for the drinks...sorry I was so drunk"

Let's review the facts... 

You dumped me...and now you think it's cool to invite yourself to come hang out with my friend and I at 1:30 in the morning and let us pay for YOUR drinks AND give you a ride home? And you can't even figure out how to set an alarm to wake up early enough to meet me for breakfast? You're 37 years old....grow up!!!

I always thought I'd have better luck dating an older man - that perhaps with age comes maturity - clearly I was mistaken

Is this what dating has come down to? Are these my options? Thirty something year old "man-childs" that don't want to grow up?