I guess you could say he had a wandering eye...

I just went on a date last week with a guy who had a wandering eye...I literally didn't know where to look...one eye was looking at me and the other was looking around


I feel a little bad writing this...he wasn't a bad guy...but it was just so distracting...especially because I was completely caught off guard. Can you imagine meeting someone for the first time and realizing they have crazy eyes? 


We sat down to dinner and he was trying to ask me how my day was...and I found myself stuttering


"Uh, umm, hmmm...I can't really remember...ugh, yea...sorry, long day!"


All I could think was...how did I miss this? I'm usually good about spotting things in pictures...if a man is wearing a hat he's usually balding, if he's not smiling he usually has "snaggle teeth"...and if it says he's "5 foot anything"...subtract at least 2 inches and that's his real height! 


Nice as he may have been...I just couldn't bring myself to go on a second date.


The week before that I went out with a man who at 34 years old told me he doesn't drink and he's "way more fun sober" 


Right....


I'm thinking...ok...alcoholic? But that wasn't the case. He just didn't like drinking much. But here's the thing, if you invite a girl out for dinner, and your date orders wine...you order a glass....you don't ask if you can "share" hers...


Seriously...WTF....how old are you??? Maybe they could bring us 2 straws...


It gets better....he was telling me all these stories of things him and his friends do...I officially "checked out" of our date when he told me that him and his friends like to "geek out" and play "hide and go seek" in the dark...he even had a special name for it that I can't quite remember...something like "lights out". He continued to describe this game to me in detail...and he was really excited about it. Apparently him and his "thirty something" year old friends turn out all the lights...they even go so far as to use sticky notes to cover up the numbers on the microwave and the oven so it's "pitch black" and then someone hides...


At this point he was acting out the game...walking around with his hands out as if it was dark out...


Then he explained that when you "stumble upon someone" you have to yell out the catch phrase "lights out" or whatever it was...and get down on the ground and "play dead" until someone else finds you....


ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???


He just took my lady wood from about "half mast" down to zero....I think that is the most unattractive thing I have ever heard. How does this guy ever get laid? The only way this game could have been considered half way acceptable was if there was nakedness and/or alcohol involved...

Here's a thought...you hide...and I won't come find you!

He's DTC....

Down * To * Cuddle

That’s right…last Saturday night I received an email from a guy I’ve never met…I manly firefighter no less…telling me that he has no plans for this evening, that he made no plans because he didn’t want to go out…but that he was down to cuddle, and that’s about it.

How does one respond to that? Is he down to cuddle with me? Is he at work cuddled up with a fireman? I’m so confused!!!

And then there's the "shirtless wonder"…a man whose uniform seems to be board shorts and flip flops judging from his pictures, and he always seems to be tan and glistening...Does he oil up before taking all of his photos?

He wrote in his profile that he makes $100,000 to $150,000 a year….doing what?

Is he a Chippendale? What other job would allow you to walk around half naked and drunk all day?

Note: I could put down that I make $100,000 a year…match.com isn’t checking my pay stubs…

Under "pets" it says he likes "birds" and "exotic" pets….

WTF…how about dogs or cats? What exactly is an “exotic pet?” Does he have a peacock???

Here are his favorite hot spots…and I quote:

“I like to go to vegas florida and mexico and hang out with friends and clubs and bars”

*SHOCKING*

All places you can be drunk, shirtless, drinking out of red party cups and preying on college girls...

What does the shirtless wonder like to read you might ask?

“I don’t read a lot I rather be out doing things”

Translation: I can’t read…I’d rather be out drinking trying to get my hump on”

 His height preference is 3’ to 5’11”

 Who is f$cking 3 feet tall? He’s either into midgets or he’s a child molester…

Ok….real talk….I messaged him hoping to get reaction….yes boys and girls, I’m an internet bully…

 “Just curious…where do you work that allows you to make $100,000 to $150,000 a year and walk around shirtless 24/7?”

 Yea…I didn’t get a response on that one….

 Just another day in the life or as like to say...

"Living the dream"

Times are Tough

Yes...I'll admit it...I'm back on match.com...


I was told before that I needed to go on a date...that my blogs were getting boring...and that I needed new material...so here I am...on the internet...trolling for men....just for you guys


Disclaimer: My roommate just asked me if I *drank* at breakfast...


Umm...yeaaa?


Match.com is like facebook...but better...Remember those posts that said..."Now you can see who has viewed your profile and how many times" and we all found ourselves asking..."Wait...is this for real...now people are going to know what a stalker I am!!!" 


Or maybe that was just me...


Well...on match....people DO know what a stalker you are...but the upside of that is...you can see who's stalking YOU! Today a man viewed my profile who appears to not own an actual shirt...Every picture on his profile is of him and his "bros" on a boat...shirtless...pounding drinks or posing with a container of protein powder. Are you effing kidding me? Protein powder???  


Wow, that's sooo cool bro, like...will you take me on you boat and get me drunk, and make protein shakes, and let me stare are your big strong muscles???


*BARF*


For a mere $34.99 a month...you too can have access to a plethera of men...not necessarily datable men...but men nonetheless. 


Men who don't own shirts, men who have already messaged your friends, men who have already dated your friends and you can actually hit on your own friends! 


I don't think my girlfriend was impressed by the V.I.P email I sent her....but whatever. Nor did she respond to my invitation for a threesome...but i'm getting over the rejection. And if you're sitting there asking yourself...what the f$ck is a V.I.P email??? Well...I wasn't sure either, which is why I sent one to my girlfriend first to try it out...and let me tell you....V.I.P stands for "Very Interested Person"...and you can only send this email once a week....and when you're writing the email...match.com actually gives you "special tips" for writing a good email....


Seriously? Men don't know how to even talk to women anymore, nor can they pick up an actual phone, and now they need help writing a goddamn email? 


And did I mention another great benefit of match.com....for only $34.99 a month...you can now feel rejected from the comforts of your own home, in your pjs...without ever going out on an actual date! 


These are just some of the highlights


I'm working on an actual face to face date as we speak...stay tuned...


But if that doesn't work out...a friend of mine suggested I switch to chicks


"I don't know what you've heard...but I don't eat muff pie"
-Bad Teacher