I made this "dating application" for potential suitors to fill out on June 25, 2007...
I've had men fill this out before - not that it yielded any better results - but perhaps I will have to bring it back
*ladies, feel free to use this application and modify it as you see fit*
Name:
Birthday:
College degree:
Profession:
Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
Do you have any STDs? (check all that apply)
_ Gonorrhea _ "the clap" _ Syphilis _ Herpes
Are you married?
Do you have a girlfriend?
If you answered YES to any of the above questions or did not *understand* what the questions were asking...please rip up your application immediately!
Now please answer the following questions truthfully...
Answer choices have been provided for some, but feel free to elaborate if you don't see your answer
1) Are you afraid of commitment?
2) What is your ideal girl situation?
a) A girl I call when I'm drunk and use for some ass
b) A girl I can call drunk or sober...and use for some ass
c) A girl I can call and actually have a conversation with and take out when I feel like it, but I call all the shots...like mascara - I will run at the first sight of emotion
d) Who are these assholes that treat girls this way, I would never be that big
of a pig
3) Do you return phone calls within one day?
4) Do you play games...or just sports?
5) Living arrangement
a) I own my own house/condo
b) I rent
c) I live with my parents baby, but they have a sweet game room
d) I live with my ex-girlfriend...is that a problem?
6) Do you pay for dates?
a) I go dutch, I mean, I can't pay for all dates if I'm dating multiple girls at once
b) I'll pay...if she puts out
c) I'll pay for the first date, but anything after that it optional
d) Always, a lady should never have to pay!
7) How long are you willing to wait for sex?
a) 5 minutes
b) 5 hours
c) 5 dates, if she's hot, otherwise 3
d) as long as a girl wants, if she's worth it, I'll wait, I can always masturbate,
if you can't play with yourself, who can you play with?
e) choice d, minus that creepy masturbation talk
8) Do you know how to speak without using profanity?
9) Can you count to 10 without using your fingers?
10) Can you spell? Let's check...choose the correct sentence.
a) I went too the store to buy some beer but there was none.
b) I went to the store to buy sum beer but their was none.
c) I went to the store to buy some beer but there was none.
d) This question is too hard I'm going to have to go back to third grade
11) Let's say you like a girl, you express this to her, in return she agrees with you...so you
a) Are happy the feeling is mutual and breath a sigh of relief you don't have
to keep dating
b) Think to yourself, the chase is over, I'm bored...NEXT
c) Think to yourself, sweet, she will definitely put out now...I'll get some then
probably never call
12) When you make plans with a girl, you are...
a) Last minute
b) Plan ahead
c) Plans? what does that mean?
13) How do you contact a girl for a first date?
a) I facebook her...I'm too scared to text her, let alone pick up my telephone...*ahem* cell phone
b) I let girls ask me out...is that not ok?
c) I text her....I wouldn't want to risk *real* rejection by picking up the telephone...plus...talking to someone on the phone is so 1950s
d) Call me traditional but I still believe in calling a girl and asking her out
14) When you make plans with a girl, you think to yourself
a) cool as long as my friends don't call me
b) cool as long as nothing better comes up
c) cool as long as I'm not in a bad mood or get hit on my motorcycle for the
second time (yes this really has happened)
d) cool as long as my wife doesn't come home early
e) cool, I'm looking forward to it and have no intention of flaking
15) Girls you have dated before would describe you as...
a) the perfect gentlemen, funny, smart, attractive, they might say "I'm
surprised he's not married yet, it's too bad we didn't work out but he will
make some girl very happy someday - I just wish it could have been me"
b) a pretty good guy for the most part
c) HOT but a real asshole, lucky for him he never had to develop a
personality because he's so good looking
d) such a "nice" guy, too bad he only has one ear
e) proceed with caution
f) the light's on but nobody's home or what I like to call - "pretty but dumb"
g) a sexual predator (see Megan's law website for details)
16) Please describe your idea of a perfect date
17) Please describe your idea of the perfect girl
18) I can burp the alphabet and some names, how do you feel about that?
a) funny
b) hot
c) disgusting
d) jealous
19) How often do you consume alcoholic beverages?
a) once or twice a week to have a good time
b) daily, I can't function without it, some call it a problem, I call it a lifestyle -
AA is for quitters
c) never, people who drink disgust me
d) I have wine at church...does that count?
20) How do you handle conflict?
a) I pout like I did when I was 5 - "you can't tell me what to do!!!"
b) I throw a temper tantrum - complete with "below the belt" insults, screaming, yelling and jumping up and down, maybe I'll throw in a few "door slams" for good measure - if my dog pees himself, then I know I was effective
c) I masturbate...it helps calm me down
d) I give the silent treatment and hope the situation will "blow over"
e) RUN!!!
f) I try to seduce my partner aka "get it on"...hopefully she'll forget what she was mad at and I won't be held accountable - plus - who's got 2 thumbs and loves BJs? THIS GUY!!!
g) I talk about it like a mature adult...I am cool, calm and collected - I'm not afraid to admit i'm wrong and/or say I'm sorry
21) Why are you still single?
22) Is there anything you feel that I should know about you before I consider going out with you in public?
References:
Please provide contact information (name/phone number/email) for 3 personal references that I may contact for additional information regarding your character
1) Ex-girlfriend:
2) Mom:
3) Friend:
Thank you for you time - your application will be reviewed and evaluated in the order received.
Sincerely,
the management
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