I'm done with dark chocolate...

So I dared to venture back out into the dating world last Sunday...

Having not had much luck with the 34598745 white guys I've dated, I figured it might be time to venture over to the "dark side"...

Stay with me here...

I had gone to bootcamp at my gym earlier that morning where a man named David slipped me his business card...which read "Come nappy, leave happy" ....apparently he is a barber on the side...

He contacted me that same day and asked me to dinner...I thought...

Shoot, a girl's gotta eat right?

Well...via text we tried to plan this out....he asked if I'd like to go out or offered to cook...


I thought...There's no way in hell I'm going over to your place on a first date...

But I simply said "I'd rather go out."

At almost 6:30 I got a phone call from him saying he couldn't go out...he started to come up with some BS excuse then he finally said he really just "fell asleep" and wasn't ready. After talking for a bit he said "Actually, let's go grab a drink"...

At this point, I was just annoyed....but...I had already showered so I figured it would be a waste of hair and makeup to stay home...so what the hell...


We met for a drink...and he was late....

Great, so far, he can't plan dinner, could barely pick a place for drinks, and now he's late...I saw him walking by and I swore I saw him take a swig from his flask...I was relieved to see he was carrying a redbull. I also thought I smelled cigarettes on him...turns out he was just smoking a CLOVE...seriously??? Last time I checked cloves were GHETTO.

So after a mere beer we were deep in conversation....actualy it felt more like an interview.

He asked "So, do you have any piercings or tattoos"

I find that to be a tacky question - it reminds me of that show blind date...where all their dates end with a spa and everyone half naked.

So he says to me "I hate tongue rings, I mean...I like oral sex....but I don't like metal on my PENIS"

Are you FUCKING kidding me???


I cannot date this man....he's saying PENIS to me on a first date and talking about ORAL SEX....seriously....who effing asked you...


a) if you liked oral sex and
b) what your penis likes?


On a first date I think it's common knowledge NOT to talk about your sexual needs or your freaking PENIS!


*SHOCKED*

I repeated what he said to me and let him know this will be repeated to my friends the following day...I don't really think he took me seriously...

Honestly, I hadn't been on a date in a while, and aside from his remarks...he was a fun guy...and I was amused...so I figured...I'll just kick it for a while, have a few free drinks...then go along my merry way...

Well, this dude seemed like a "stage 5 clinger"...he managed to invite himself to my birthday party, asked what i'd like for my birthday, what kind of flowers I liked, etc. I informed him he could not come to my birthday because I DON'T FREAKING KNOW HIM!!!

So after a few drinks I was ready to call it a night...it was sunday after all...I worked the next day....not sure about him...


As we were leaving he noticed the nightclub upstairs was open and wanted to check it out...I figured...what's one more drink...

I had no idea there was actually dancing on Sundays...as I looked around the club I thought

Do none of you people work???

So what was supposed to just be a quick drink turned into drinks, more conversation and dancing.

As we sat outside on a couch surrounded by other people, he turned to me and said:

"So how are you at oral sex?"

Again with the ORAL SEX! Seriously...I get it....you want my mouth on your penis tonight....way to be sly dude....you've already tried to "cook me dinner" at your place and I denied you, I also made it clear that I don't go over to guys' houses that I don't know....I guess he figured he'd come at it from a different angle....maybe try to liquor me up with a few more drinks...

*At this point I was just amused...I considered this date research...aka more material for my blog!!!*

On a side note: he also admitted to looking up my shorts at bootcamp to check out my ASS!!! And amidst our conversation and several N-bombs dropped by him I asked..."So if you get to say it does that mean I can?" and he says "Sure, you can be my honorary nigga for the night!"

OMG seriously??? Honorary Nigga? How could I leave now?

Now if you know me...gimme a few drinks, some hip hop and a dance floor and i'll take it to the house! So when he says "let's dance", I was like..."hell to the yes!!!" 

Just because he's not datable...doesn't mean I couldn't bust a few moves on the dance floor...

Well...i'm not sure if this was one of his "signature dance moves"....i'm guessing so...but this fool straight picked me up off the ground and tried to get me to put my legs around him...upon which i'm screaming "put me down, put me down!"

*In his defense....that's exactly what the couple next to us was doing...gross!*

Then....he started grabbing on my ass...then he somehow managed to get his hands down my pants onto my RAW asscheeks...

I scanned the room and thought I hope to God I don't know anybody here! He then thought it was time to take another shot...I decided it was time for me to take my *white girl ass* home!

He walked me to my car and that was it. Minutes later I got a phonecall from him saying he got stopped by the cops and to call him...

OK...what I'm about to say is going to sound bad...but i'm thinking....BULLSHIT...it's almost 1am...and a black man got stopped by the cops...there's no way they let you go dude...somebody's crying out for attention

He proceeded to say:

"This is why I don't drink and drive....next time we'll have to have drinks at MY place"

Holy crap dude, enough is enough...I get that you wished I had come over to your place and got drunk 

I got home and I had a "goodnight" text

I woke up and to a "goodmorning" text

At work and I got a "what time is your lunch" text

(All without receiving a response from me)

Apparently I deleveloped a boyfriend over the last 12 hours?

Then...at 6pm I recieved a PHONECALL...."Hey it's David, just saying hi...I texted you a few times and never heard back....I'm hoping you're just busy and not ignorning me, I guess I'll talk to you when you call me"

Jesus Christ...do I have to dump you after one date?

I sent him the "I had fun but I don't really see this going further/we're not in the same place" text

He seemed surprised/wanted more of an explanation...

Then he said "I just hope I didn't say anything to offend you"

Are you effing kidding me? Would you like a LIST?

Seeing as how I'd like to be able to still set foot in my bootcamp class...I had to keep it PC...but...if I knew I would never see this person again it would have went something like this

"Yes -  you said something to offend me...you informed me that your penis does not like metal, you asked me if I was good at blow jobs, and you put your hand down my freaking pants when we were dancing...do I need to say more?"

Is this guy an awful person?
Probably not....
Completely clueless at 35?
DEFINITELY!!!