I feel like a modern day Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz....Cautiously making my way down the yellow brick road...hoping to find my way to the Wizard...but I keep getting approached by all these freaks! Luckily I have my girlfriends there to help guide me down the path...and pick me up when I fall...
Here are some men from 2010...Hopefully 2011 will be a better year!
Mike
I met this boy off match.com about a year ago....yes, I did this once before. It was right after I got dumped...I needed a date ok??? His pictures were cute so I met him for a drink one night. My initial reaction was "Holy shit, he's chubby and not cute...how do I get out of here!!!" but as I sat there a few minutes longer I realized...alright, he's not that unfortunate looking and maybe I over reacted...which is crazy because women NEVER do that...<insert sarcasm here>
We go out on several dates - dinner, drinks etc - then he asks if he can make me dinner/watch a movie...which everyone knows is code for "makeout." I accept his invitation. We eat dinner, go for a walk, then come back to watch a movie. He asks me, "What movie do you want to watch...not like we're actually going to watch the movie" Who says that? The movie is on and he's trying to get some - but his game is weak. Things are NOT hot and heavy...AT ALL...but he says to me..."What's your favorite position?" Mind you we are barely kissing - and I say, "Um can we not talk about this please?" He replies "I just want to know for later" Jesus Christ! I should have ran out the door then and there. He then goes on to say something to the effect of "I'd like to bend you over doggie style and lick your butthole" ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME???
What about me screams "lick my asshole?" Was it the pants I was wearing? Is it tattooed on my forehead? Everyone knows I do like to make a lot of inappropriate jokes....but I've never joked about that! If my butthole had a theme song it would be "Move bitch, get out the way" aka stay the hell away from my butthole! Ok...you get the idea. Moving on to the next guy
Tim
Who I renamed...Tim the Toolman Taylor...or just "Toolshed" which is how he came up in my phone. We dated for about a month or so. He was a trainer at my gym - red flag #1. He also had a fauxhawk - red flag #2. Now this I never expected...he also had a TRAMP STAMP - glaring red flag #3. Here's another fun fact - he "made up" a degree to my mother...and when I called him on it he said "Well I was only 6 units away from a double major." I'm sorry...are you effing retarded? I was only 3 strokes away from a hole in one? Come ON!!! So I know what you're thinking...why on earth did I continue to date this doucher? Well...he was nice to look at and AT FIRST he seemed fun and interesting...tramp stamp aside. He turned out to be one of those guys who only talks about himself and how great he is at everything. "I'm so great at my job, I don't understand why I haven't gotten a promotion?" aka why haven't they promoted me to head toolshed at the gym? Haven't they seen my trampstamp? Don't they know who I am??? I'm Tim the Toolshed Taylor!!! Ok - onto numero tres...
"The Poolman"
So this was just a few weeks ago...
I went to Elephant Bar with my mom for dinner. The restaurant side was full to we took a seat at the bar. We strategically sat right in front of what my mom and I thought were "attractive dudes." So we were trying to slyly check them out...you know...put out the vibe...which I'm sure wasn't sly AT ALL - there was one in particular that I was eyeing. We finished dinner and they were still sitting there. I ordered another drink trying to "wait it out" until they left. My mom strategically went to the bathroom to give him an opportunity to come talk to me. After she got up the boy I'd been eyeing came over and introduced himself. "Hi my name is Jake and I couldn't help but notice you sitting there. You are so pretty I could barely pay attention to my friends."
Who me??? I was flattered. I gave him my phone number and calmly walked to the bathroom where my mom was waiting for me. I busted out laughing yelling "He got my number, he got my number!" and my mom and I high fived!
I had not even left the restaurant and he had already texted me. He then called to make sure the number was correct since I didn't respond to his text. My mom and I walked out to the car and he was still outside. He came over and introduced himself to my mom. Ok...so he was excited? A day went by and he texted me to say "hi" and that he would call me that night. Why didn't he just call me that night...weido. He says he is at work...so I took this as an opportunity to do some investigative work. I asked where he works. He replied "I work for a highway striping company but work is slow with the rain so I'm helping my friend with his pool business."
Let me translate this for you..."I'm the guy that paints lines on the highway but business is slow so I'm working as a poolboy." I know this sounds superficial...but I can't date someone who paints lines on the highway...but as my mom said "You never know, those lines may be pretty straight! Do you think he'll clean our pool for free?" haha! Momma's got jokes...
So I thought to myself, ok...don't be a bitch, give this guy a chance. But he was quickly approaching what I like to call "stalker status."
1) He sent several texts without always getting a response
2) He was including "pet names" in the texts - although we'd never had a phone converstaion
3) He called, didn't leave a message, then texted me to let me know he just called
4) He continued to call without receiving an equal amount of responses
After all of this I decide he's not getting a chance, he's creeping me out. I had to break it to my mom that she would have to find a new pool boy...
Cheers to 2011!!!
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