I'm done with dark chocolate...

So I dared to venture back out into the dating world last Sunday...

Having not had much luck with the 34598745 white guys I've dated, I figured it might be time to venture over to the "dark side"...

Stay with me here...

I had gone to bootcamp at my gym earlier that morning where a man named David slipped me his business card...which read "Come nappy, leave happy" ....apparently he is a barber on the side...

He contacted me that same day and asked me to dinner...I thought...

Shoot, a girl's gotta eat right?

Well...via text we tried to plan this out....he asked if I'd like to go out or offered to cook...


I thought...There's no way in hell I'm going over to your place on a first date...

But I simply said "I'd rather go out."

At almost 6:30 I got a phone call from him saying he couldn't go out...he started to come up with some BS excuse then he finally said he really just "fell asleep" and wasn't ready. After talking for a bit he said "Actually, let's go grab a drink"...

At this point, I was just annoyed....but...I had already showered so I figured it would be a waste of hair and makeup to stay home...so what the hell...


We met for a drink...and he was late....

Great, so far, he can't plan dinner, could barely pick a place for drinks, and now he's late...I saw him walking by and I swore I saw him take a swig from his flask...I was relieved to see he was carrying a redbull. I also thought I smelled cigarettes on him...turns out he was just smoking a CLOVE...seriously??? Last time I checked cloves were GHETTO.

So after a mere beer we were deep in conversation....actualy it felt more like an interview.

He asked "So, do you have any piercings or tattoos"

I find that to be a tacky question - it reminds me of that show blind date...where all their dates end with a spa and everyone half naked.

So he says to me "I hate tongue rings, I mean...I like oral sex....but I don't like metal on my PENIS"

Are you FUCKING kidding me???


I cannot date this man....he's saying PENIS to me on a first date and talking about ORAL SEX....seriously....who effing asked you...


a) if you liked oral sex and
b) what your penis likes?


On a first date I think it's common knowledge NOT to talk about your sexual needs or your freaking PENIS!


*SHOCKED*

I repeated what he said to me and let him know this will be repeated to my friends the following day...I don't really think he took me seriously...

Honestly, I hadn't been on a date in a while, and aside from his remarks...he was a fun guy...and I was amused...so I figured...I'll just kick it for a while, have a few free drinks...then go along my merry way...

Well, this dude seemed like a "stage 5 clinger"...he managed to invite himself to my birthday party, asked what i'd like for my birthday, what kind of flowers I liked, etc. I informed him he could not come to my birthday because I DON'T FREAKING KNOW HIM!!!

So after a few drinks I was ready to call it a night...it was sunday after all...I worked the next day....not sure about him...


As we were leaving he noticed the nightclub upstairs was open and wanted to check it out...I figured...what's one more drink...

I had no idea there was actually dancing on Sundays...as I looked around the club I thought

Do none of you people work???

So what was supposed to just be a quick drink turned into drinks, more conversation and dancing.

As we sat outside on a couch surrounded by other people, he turned to me and said:

"So how are you at oral sex?"

Again with the ORAL SEX! Seriously...I get it....you want my mouth on your penis tonight....way to be sly dude....you've already tried to "cook me dinner" at your place and I denied you, I also made it clear that I don't go over to guys' houses that I don't know....I guess he figured he'd come at it from a different angle....maybe try to liquor me up with a few more drinks...

*At this point I was just amused...I considered this date research...aka more material for my blog!!!*

On a side note: he also admitted to looking up my shorts at bootcamp to check out my ASS!!! And amidst our conversation and several N-bombs dropped by him I asked..."So if you get to say it does that mean I can?" and he says "Sure, you can be my honorary nigga for the night!"

OMG seriously??? Honorary Nigga? How could I leave now?

Now if you know me...gimme a few drinks, some hip hop and a dance floor and i'll take it to the house! So when he says "let's dance", I was like..."hell to the yes!!!" 

Just because he's not datable...doesn't mean I couldn't bust a few moves on the dance floor...

Well...i'm not sure if this was one of his "signature dance moves"....i'm guessing so...but this fool straight picked me up off the ground and tried to get me to put my legs around him...upon which i'm screaming "put me down, put me down!"

*In his defense....that's exactly what the couple next to us was doing...gross!*

Then....he started grabbing on my ass...then he somehow managed to get his hands down my pants onto my RAW asscheeks...

I scanned the room and thought I hope to God I don't know anybody here! He then thought it was time to take another shot...I decided it was time for me to take my *white girl ass* home!

He walked me to my car and that was it. Minutes later I got a phonecall from him saying he got stopped by the cops and to call him...

OK...what I'm about to say is going to sound bad...but i'm thinking....BULLSHIT...it's almost 1am...and a black man got stopped by the cops...there's no way they let you go dude...somebody's crying out for attention

He proceeded to say:

"This is why I don't drink and drive....next time we'll have to have drinks at MY place"

Holy crap dude, enough is enough...I get that you wished I had come over to your place and got drunk 

I got home and I had a "goodnight" text

I woke up and to a "goodmorning" text

At work and I got a "what time is your lunch" text

(All without receiving a response from me)

Apparently I deleveloped a boyfriend over the last 12 hours?

Then...at 6pm I recieved a PHONECALL...."Hey it's David, just saying hi...I texted you a few times and never heard back....I'm hoping you're just busy and not ignorning me, I guess I'll talk to you when you call me"

Jesus Christ...do I have to dump you after one date?

I sent him the "I had fun but I don't really see this going further/we're not in the same place" text

He seemed surprised/wanted more of an explanation...

Then he said "I just hope I didn't say anything to offend you"

Are you effing kidding me? Would you like a LIST?

Seeing as how I'd like to be able to still set foot in my bootcamp class...I had to keep it PC...but...if I knew I would never see this person again it would have went something like this

"Yes -  you said something to offend me...you informed me that your penis does not like metal, you asked me if I was good at blow jobs, and you put your hand down my freaking pants when we were dancing...do I need to say more?"

Is this guy an awful person?
Probably not....
Completely clueless at 35?
DEFINITELY!!!

Dating Application

It was brought to my attention last night that I'm "lacking in the dating department" by a fellow reader and perhaps I could use some "new material"

I made this "dating application" for potential suitors to fill out on June 25, 2007...






I've had men fill this out before - not that it yielded any better results - but perhaps I will have to bring it back


*ladies, feel free to use this application and modify it as you see fit*


Name:
Birthday:
College degree:
Profession:
Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
Do you have any STDs? (check all that apply)
_ Gonorrhea    _ "the clap"   _ Syphilis   _ Herpes

Are you married?
Do you have a girlfriend?

If you answered YES to any of the above questions or did not *understand* what the questions were asking...please rip up your application immediately!

Now please answer the following questions truthfully...

Answer choices have been provided for some, but feel free to elaborate if you don't see your answer

1) Are you afraid of commitment?

2) What is your ideal girl situation?
  a) A girl I call when I'm drunk and use for some ass
   b) A girl I can call drunk or sober...and use for some ass
   c) A girl I can call and actually have a conversation with and take out when I feel like it,    but I call all the shots...like mascara - I will run at the first sight of emotion
   d) Who are these assholes that treat girls this way, I would never be that big   
      of a pig

3) Do you return phone calls within one day?

4) Do you play games...or just sports?

5) Living arrangement
   a) I own my own house/condo
   b) I rent
   c) I live with my parents baby, but they have a sweet game room
   d) I live with my ex-girlfriend...is that a problem?

6) Do you pay for dates?  
  a) I go dutch, I mean, I can't pay for all dates if I'm dating multiple girls at once
   b) I'll pay...if she puts out
   c) I'll pay for the first date, but anything after that it optional
   d) Always, a lady should never have to pay!

7) How long are you willing to wait for sex?  
   a) 5 minutes
   b) 5 hours
   c) 5 dates, if she's hot, otherwise 3
   d) as long as a girl wants, if she's worth it, I'll wait, I can always masturbate,
       if you can't play with yourself, who can you play with?
   e) choice d, minus that creepy masturbation talk

8) Do you know how to speak without using profanity?

9) Can you count to 10 without using your fingers?

10) Can you spell? Let's check...choose the correct sentence.   
   a) I went too the store to buy some beer but there was none.
   b) I went to the store to buy sum beer but their was none.
   c) I went to the store to buy some beer but there was none.
   d) This question is too hard I'm going to have to go back to third grade

11) Let's say you like a girl, you express this to her, in return she agrees with you...so you
   a) Are happy the feeling is mutual and breath a sigh of relief you don't have
       to keep dating
   b) Think to yourself, the chase is over, I'm bored...NEXT
   c) Think to yourself, sweet, she will definitely put out now...I'll get some then
       probably never call

12) When you make plans with a girl, you are...  
   a) Last minute
   b) Plan ahead
   c) Plans? what does that mean?

13) How do you contact a girl for a first date?
   a) I facebook her...I'm too scared to text her, let alone pick up my telephone...*ahem* cell    phone
   b) I let girls ask me out...is that not ok?
   c) I text her....I wouldn't want to risk *real* rejection by picking up the telephone...plus...talking to someone on the phone is so 1950s
   d) Call me traditional but I still believe in calling a girl and asking her out

14) When you make plans with a girl, you think to yourself  
   a) cool as long as my friends don't call me
   b) cool as long as nothing better comes up
   c) cool as long as I'm not in a bad mood or get hit on my motorcycle for the
       second time (yes this really has happened)
   d) cool as long as my wife doesn't come home early
   e) cool, I'm looking forward to it and have no intention of flaking

15) Girls you have dated before would describe you as...
   a) the perfect gentlemen, funny, smart, attractive, they might say "I'm
       surprised he's not married yet, it's too bad we didn't work out but he will
       make some girl very happy someday - I just wish it could have been me"
   b) a pretty good guy for the most part
   c) HOT but a real asshole, lucky for him he never had to develop a
       personality because he's so good looking
   d) such a "nice" guy, too bad he only has one ear
   e) proceed with caution
   f) the light's on but nobody's home or what I like to call - "pretty but dumb"
   g) a sexual predator (see Megan's law website for details)

16) Please describe your idea of a perfect date

17) Please describe your idea of the perfect girl

18) I can burp the alphabet and some names, how do you feel about that?  
   a) funny
   b) hot
   c) disgusting
   d) jealous

19) How often do you consume alcoholic beverages?  
   a) once or twice a week to have a good time
   b) daily, I can't function without it, some call it a problem, I call it a lifestyle -
        AA  is for quitters
   c) never, people who drink disgust me
   d) I have wine at church...does that count?

20) How do you handle conflict?  
   a) I pout like I did when I was 5 - "you can't tell me what to do!!!"
   b) I throw a temper tantrum - complete with "below the belt" insults, screaming, yelling and jumping up and down, maybe I'll throw in a few "door slams" for good measure - if my dog pees himself, then I know I was effective
   c) I masturbate...it helps calm me down
   d) I give the silent treatment and hope the situation will "blow over"
   e) RUN!!!
   f) I try to seduce my partner aka "get it on"...hopefully she'll forget what she was mad at and I won't be held accountable - plus - who's got 2 thumbs and loves BJs? THIS GUY!!!
   g) I talk about it like a mature adult...I am cool, calm and collected - I'm not afraid to admit i'm wrong and/or say I'm sorry

21) Why are you still single?

22) Is there anything you feel that I should know about you before I consider going out with you in public? 

References:

Please provide contact information (name/phone number/email) for 3 personal references that I may contact for additional information regarding your character

1) Ex-girlfriend:
2) Mom:
3) Friend:


Thank you for you time - your application will be reviewed and evaluated in the order received.

Sincerely,
the management


 

I love boobies

If you've left your house in the last year...you've seen this paraphernalia....

The phrase "I <3 Boobies" started off on just wrist bands about a year ago...it's now moved to belts, and even tshirts....and I ask myself....is this really raising breast cancer awareness....or just breast awareness....because to be quite honest, I think boobs get enough attention on their own....we really don't need "gear" with the words "I <3 Boobies" tattooed on it to draw anymore attention their direction.

The most disturbing part is that the only people I see wearing these items...are teenage boys. As a teacher, last year I saw my first "I <3 boobies" bracelet...and not knowing any better...I sent the student to the office on a referral for inappropriate language. He also had stickers with the words "get wet" stuck to his binder....so I saw the combination and thought "wow, that's inappropriate"

Much to my surprise, when I spoke to his mother I was yelled at for punishing him for supporting breast cancer! And apparently the "get wet" stickers were for some break dancing group he was in.

Could you imagine sending your 7th grade boy to school with a t-shirt that says "I love boobies" on it? What you would say..."Hey honey, your 'I love boobies' shirt is clean today if you wanna wear it? I think it's look awesome if you paired it with the 'I love boobies' bracelet and maybe the belt?"

Are you effing kidding me?

As a teacher, I would be uncomfortable wearing one of those t-shirts in from of my male or female students....so why are they comfortable to wear them in front of us?

When did everything become so sexually based? Is sex really the only thing that sells? Am I the only one that finds it offensive that we've chosen to use sexual advertising with something so serious like cancer???

And why aren't there bracelets that say "I love testicles" or "I love ballsacs" for testicular cancer!?

I'll tell you why...because nobody really finds testicles sexually arousing...but breasts on the other hand are a different story. No man goes out and gets "testicle" implants because he wishes his testicles were "just a little bit bigger" or "just a little perkier". No man says, "Dude, I wish my testicles would be perkier without having to wear tidy whiteys."

You get the idea

I guarantee some man made up this slogan who thought to himself..."Hmmmmm, If all these women keep getting breast cancer....what will I have to stare at all day?" 

Seriously, there's something wrong with this world!

The "Ho" Test

A few months ago I had a man run what he called the "ho test" on me...

I had never heard of such a "test"? Is this what men are doing???

Here was the senario...
It was our first date...we sat at the bar and had drinks and talked for several hours...he walked me to my car where we kissed goodnight...then he asked "Do you wanna take this back to my place?"

I was shocked...what had I done to give off the vibe that I was a "ho"? I read him the riot act and let him know that if he was just "DTF" (down the f$ck) that he should look elsewhere. He apologized and said it was "all good."

After a month of continuing to see each other...he admitted that he ran the "ho test" on me....which involved asking a girl back to your place on the first date to see if she's a HO!!! This is something one of his idiot friends had come up with...clearly they had done their research...

He claimed that he didn't want to date a girl that would give it up that easily (fair enough)...but seriously...WTF??? How many men are running this "test?"

I googled "ho test" and this is what I found...

It's pretty freaking amazing...honestly, this is just what I needed...a good harsh dose of reality! Ladies beware...you need to read this article!!!

To read the full article (parts 1 and 2) visit http://www.askheartbeat.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=81&Itemid=27

Here are some excerpts to peak your interest...

The 'Ho Test: Lady or 'Ho?

All men, from hard core players and pimps to hardworking, churchgoing “husband material” will run some variation of the ‘ho test on every woman they meet.  How you handle the questions put forth and the situations you will find yourself in shall determine your future.  Whether he puts feelings into a relationship with you, or labels you low class, easy, trifling, money-grubbing good for nothing and commences to use you for whatever he can get before moving on is what is at stake...

Keeping in mind that most men believe ‘you can’t turn a ‘ho into a housewife, when a guy meets you he is going to seek answers to many questions:  “Can I dazzle her with bullshit, cheat on her, get with her on the under (though I am dating her best friend)?  I just broke up with her best friend who she knows still has feelings for me... will she be trifling enough to pick me over someone that has been her friend for years?  Will she be a lady and honor and respect me in front of my buddies or go for the game they throw?  Will she put me in check or leave my butt if I act a fool, or will she let me have my cake and eat it too?  Is she a lady I might consider wife material or a broke down stupid ‘ho?” 

Passing A ‘Ho Test

A man is not going to tell or warn you in advance that he is running the ‘ho test - that defeats the whole purpose of the pop quiz! 

So ladies...beware...if you act like a pro...you might be a ho!

*Those are my own personal words of advice*

Here he is it ladies and gentlemen....

Check him out in his natural habitat. His dress: conservative yet cocky. His primary diet consists of beer and frozen dinners. He's the single man, prowling the streets looking for his prey. Here he is in action. Licking his lips at what might be his late night snack.

Sometimes it's hard to distinguish the "single man" from the "taken man" - his  flirty and forward nature make it difficult for one to decern.

I often feel like i'm living a bad episode of Sex in the City, except it's not from a script...it's my freakin' life!!!

I recently ran into a predicament with a "taken man" posing as single. Upon first meeting him nearly a year ago he presented himself as very interested, not ready for a relationship...but definitely on the "prowl."


Like any predator, he stalked his prey...calculating what times might be best to go in for the kill....seeing as how he lived in the apartment downstairs, it was easy for him to stalk. After a long day of "hunting" he often thought 2am was prime feeding time.


He used to steal my parking spot to get my attention - claiming he was holding it "ransom" and other juvenile tactics such as leaving starbucks on my doorstep (which I mistakenly interpreted as thoughful) ...but as my cousin pointed out...

"In his mind, he spent $3 on starbucks hoping it might get him laid...not a huge cost to him"

I made it clear that I was not interested in being his convenience call...but unfortunately he was quite persistant  and managed to get my attention from time to time. If I did try to ignore him, I'd get texts like "helllloooooo, why are you ignoring me!!!!" He's definitely the type of person that gets by on his good looks and charm...and seeing as how he lived downstairs, I really couldn't get away from this fool.


I asked the important questions:
"Are you dating anyone"
"Do you have a girlfriend"
"Are you married"

His responses continued to be
"No"
"I'm not ready for a relationship"
"I'm trying to get my life together" "
"I'm not in a good place"
"The timing is wrong"

I'll say....

What he *should* have said was...I have a girlfriend, i'm a shady liar and a cheater...and I think with my DICK!  

About a month ago I learned of his girlfriend, and thanks to facebook I know who she is...I believe his exact words were "Would you still want to hang out with me if I told you I had a girlfriend?"  His texts before that read "My shower's broken, can I use yours?" and "After we eat, i'll come back to your place to use your shower" dude...I get it...you're trying to invite yourself to my place...highly inappropriate texts coming from someone with a girlfriend.

I told him to leave me the f$ck alone and suggested he use his girlfriend's shower...

He has since moved in with two chicks in Land Park...which is definitely concerning - perhaps one of them is his girlfriend? It would make sense....he's lazy, selfish, and if it's not convenient, he's not down...

He apologized and claimed he thought we were "friends", and continued to push for a "friendship" - perhaps he needs someone for when his girlfriend is out of town or when his left hand gets tired...

I feel sorry for his girlfriend, and all girlfriends of guys like that. What is it about these men...is one woman not enough?  

I recently spoke with another girlfriend who ran into a similar situation. A man with a girlfriend asked for her number, made several attempts to hang out with her before she figured out he had a girlfriend. He told her that unless he is married he still considers himself single. 

Wow...that's a HUGE  gray area...I guarantee this girlfriend of his does not share his viewpoint

 He claimed he "fell" into the relationship due to mutual friends and isn't all that happy.

I'm sorry...are you being held there at gun point??? Time to put on your "big boy pants" and end it!

He won't...like most he seems to want his girlfriend...aka his "security blanket" and his hot chick on the side. It's so sad and pathetic.

I may be habitually single and *slightly* cynical...but at least I'm not some dude's security blanket while he runs around behind my back trying to get laid!

In the words of Charlotte from Sex in the City

I've been dating a million years....where is he???

Fuck Off!

Yes...I said FUCK!

I have been told to "fuck off" twice now in the last 24 hours...and no...not by my students...but adult males...one of which I just met!

Not only is chivalry dead...but apparently manners and common decency have gone out of style as well.

Yes, I know it sounds like I'm over-reacting....and I do have a much thicker skin that this...BUT...I'm trying to make a point!

My mom always raised me with the thought that it was rude if any man cussed in front of a woman...let alone AT HER! And sure, I drop the f-bomb here and there, who doesn't? But I've never cussed at someone, even in jest.

Last night I met this guy and we realized that his mom used to teach at my high school and his sister went there as well. He asked me what year I graduated and how old I was....when I told him I was 28 he replied, "FUCK OFF!"


Excuse me?????

No.....YOU fuck off dude

So he clarified that I looked much younger and "good for you" aka...that was supposed to be a compliment? Is "fuck off" now synonymous with "shut up", "no way" or "get outta here" because nobody filled me in?

Today, I was making conversation with a friend, and he told me to "fuck off" as well! I was willing to let the first one go from last night....but 2 times in 24 hours...what the FUCK!?

Yes....I said FUCK...again

I'm the type of girl who loves to joke around, and I can usually take a joke as well as dish it back....but in the past few years...I've had men I dated....men who I *assumed* were trying to impress me...because that's what my mom always said, when a man likes you, he's going to put his best foot forward and try to win you over....

Here are a few comments/gestures men thought were OK to do on a date

• One guy actually flipped me off while we were having dinner at Lucca...keep in mind this is a nice Italian restaurant
• A guy who I'd never met told me to "go to hell" over the phone as a joke?
• Another guy said "fuck you" to me...again...as a "joke"
• And the most recent guy I dated...who claimed that he liked me more than I liked him...actually cussed me out of his apartment and threw what I'd like to call a "grown man temper tantrum" because he wasn't getting laid

Seriously....when people ask me..."why are you single"

THIS IS WHY!!!!!

There is a lack of suitable resources....

Me...and my vagina are going on strike until conditions improve!

Datable men are like dinosaurs....they're extinct! Wouldn't it be awesome if they had an exhibit at the museums...where women could study the remains of the datable decent men that used to roam the planet? They could have pictures of these men performing their manly duties...like opening doors and paying bills!

Ok...maybe not the paying bills part...it's not 1950 anymore after all.

If there was an exhibit for the men of 2011, there would be pictures of men "forgetting their wallets" at dinner, checking out other girls while on a date...and texting their "girlfriend" when out with their wife!

If this poster is true...I guess I should consider myself a great woman!

Why I'm not a bartender...

Tonight I "guest" bartended downtown to benefit some children's charities in the area.

Immediately i'm greeted by 2 drunk men...and this is at 6:30....these men or should I say "boys" stayed until 9pm when I left.

One of the gentlmen was 25, had a molester mustache and looked like he hadn't washed his hair in a week....I would not have been surprised if he drove a molester van.

The other gentleman was much more clean cut...but creepy by association...as he claimed him as his "best friend."

Seeing as how I just dated a man who was 29 and jobless....I inquired as to where this boy worked.....and he could not seem to tell me.  He said he "works from home" and "does a lot of things"

What does that even mean? 
This was NOT supposed to be a "trick" question or difficult to answer

Here's how the conversation should have went....
Me: "Where do you work"
Him: "I work ____"

So since i'm stranded behind the bar....I make conversation

Here are some excerpts:

Me: "I love living alone...I can leave laundry all over the floor and dishes in the sink and nobody can say a thing about it"
Less creepy dude: "Well you better pick up your appartment before I come over"

Shocking....a man trying to invite himself over to my appartment...why are men so comfortable inviting themselves to a woman's appartment but seem to be less comfortable inviting them on a real DATE!

Me: "How old are you?"
Less creepy dude: "25 but i'll be 26 in 3 weeks....in case you wanted to get me a gift."
Me: "Right...I'll totally send you a card" (right after hell freezes over)
Creepy friend: "How about you send my friend a BLOW JOB"

What do you say to that???

Me: "So do you and your friend share a bed" (at this point, I figure these dudes are weird...i'm just going to make jokes to try to make them feel creepy)
Creepy friend: "No...but I have the room next door....so if you guys have sex...I'll hear it"

I guess I set myself up for that one....

I think it's safe to say my carreer as a bartender stops here